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This is the original cast recording of "Khaaaaan! the Musical," which was the best attended show at the 2010 Kansas City Fringe Festival. To find out more about the show, visit www.jupiterkansas.com

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released May 10, 2011

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Bryan Colley Kansas City, Missouri

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Track Name: Science Fiction Movies
KIRK
Back in the day we took our first leap into space
When Armstrong set foot on the moon, he launched a science fiction craze
The stars were in our reach and planets in our gaze
And we all flocked to the movie screen in an acid fueled daze

It was the science fiction movies
That showed we were all on the same team
It was the science fiction movies
That gave us all a reason to dream

BONES
Everybody knew the bomb would blow us all to smithereens
The end was nigh, we couldn't survive, the suicide machine
There was still a place where we could all convene
We laughed we cried, our fear would subside, beneath the silver screen

KIRK & BONES
It was the science fiction movies
That showed we were all on the same team
It was the science fiction movies
That gave us all a reason to dream

SPOCK
There were too many problems to fit into this song
It was really quite illogical, so much was going wrong
There was still a place where we could all belong
In the darkness of the cinema we could prosper and live long

KIRK, SPOCK & BONES
It was the science fiction movies
That showed we were all on the same team
It was the science fiction movies
That gave us all a reason to dream
The Enterprise dances onto stage.

KIRK
In three hundred years mankind will sail among the stars
We'll spread our love to alien lifeforms no matter how bizarre

SPOCK
We'll seek out those strange new worlds we will explore

BONES
And leave the past behind with so much suffering and war

KIRK, SPOCK & BONES
It was the science fiction movies
That showed we were all on the same team
It was the science fiction movies
That gave us all a reason to dream
It was the science fiction movies.
Track Name: Too Old for This
KIRK, SPOCK & BONES
Remember when, we were all the rage
We couldn't wait to turn another page
The tales of our adventures throughout the universe
To find that it is waning is a curse

We found ourselves in peril, but made it back unscathed
Armed with the prime directive, our flag of peace we waved

KIRK
Disseminating wisdom, and on my arm some green chick
And I was always whipping out my... phaser

KIRK, SPOCK & BONES
After all the wormholes, the tribbles, the attacks

SPOCK
The androids,

BONES
The saltsuckers,

KIRK
The snappy comebacks

BONES
Dammit, now it's time to face the facts
This is our final act

KIRK
I'd like a quiet planet, somewhere in the Cygnet branch
And settle down with someone, maybe on a Ceti eel ranch
She'll be so blind with love, I’ll be so happy with my luck
And every morning, we’ll wake up and... snuggle.

BONES
Yes that's the life we should’ve all retired long ago.

SPOCK
In facing our mortality we face our greatest foe.

BONES
That is the hardest to admit.

KIRK
We're too old for this... crazy, nutty kind of... running around everywhere... (ad lib old man rambling)

BONES & SPOCK
Remember when, we were all the rage?
But now we're living in another age.
Track Name: Khan's Awesome Song
KHAN
Mama was an artist who worked in plaster
Her name was Cynthia Plaster Caster
Her subjects were in the music business
She made copies of their physical fitness

No one knew she was stealing their spew
To create a genetic brew
I was born without a soul
I was born to play this role
I was spawned by rock and roll

I was born with a mullet and tan
And was raised to be a one man band
I learned to sing before I could talk
Played lead guitar before I walked

I got used to all the applause
I was born to break every law
I was born without a soul
I was born to play this role
I was spawned by rock and roll

KIRK
(spoken)
Spock, prepare photon torpedoes.

SPOCK
(spoken)
Yes, Captain.

KIRK
(spoken)
Our only hope is to strike quickly while he’s distracted.

BONES
(spoken)
How did you know he wouldn't kill us immediately?

KIRK
(spoken)
Two-dimensional! He wouldn't miss a chance to gloat.

SPOCK
(spoken)
All systems ready, Captain.

KIRK
(spoken)
Excellent, Spock. We’ll show this Khan that we’ve still got some fight left.

KHAN
Then when I was about to conquer the world
Along came Kirk and this ditzy girl
You ruined my chance you ruined my life!
Caused my downfall caused my strife!
I was frozen dead but alive
Waiting for the day to be revived
It feels great to come unhinged
You will cower, you will cringe
As I take my rock revenge

I got used to all the applause
I was born to break the laws
I was born without a soul
I was born to play this role
I was spawned by rock and roll
Track Name: The Illogical Song
SPOCK
Slingshot
Hot spot
Hangin' round
With Hot Shot

Distant lights
Endless nights
Navigation,
Be precise

Time and space
We will displace
Capacitor with
Plutonium base

KIRK, SPOCK & BONES
We are masters of time and space
We can alter our reality
Past and present will interlace
Time is just a formality

SPOCK
Highly illogical
Slightly astrological
Very pedagogical
Almost mythological
A bit geological
Even neurological
Mainly chronological
Never gynecological

KIRK, SPOCK & BONES
We are masters of time and space
We can alter our reality
Past and present will interlace
Time is just a formality

SPOCK
Slingshot
Hot spot
Hangin' round
With Hot Shot

Distant lights
Endless nights
Navigation,
Be precise

Time and space
We will displace
Because we must
Win this race

Time and space
We will displace
Because we must
Win this race
Track Name: Totally Tubular
VALERIE
Look at your clothes from the twenty-third century
You need some brand new stuff
We need to make you more radical too
We need to make you tuff

We need to get you some acid washed blue jeans,
Jordache and Calvin Klein,
A pink Izod shirt with the collar flipped up.
Then you'll be totally fine.

You'd look so awesome in neon
And some wicked Ray Bans.
You'll be much cooler than, like, freon
In OP shirts, pegged jeans and Vans.

I'll take you shopping at my galleria
To get you some haute couture.
We'll get you some hair gel and parachute pants -
Totally tubular!

Our world in the twenty-first century
Seems like one big stupid fad.
Sometimes life is totally bogus.
You're here, and it's totally rad.

All other guys are so grody.
I am so stoked you are here.
We should be totally boinking.
I'll be your final frontier.

Guys in the valley just all barf me out.
I like my boyfriends mature.
You're like as old as my grandpa, no doubt,
But you're a he-man for sure!

Our world in the twenty-first century -
Most guys here are just major tools.
Sometimes I just want someone gnarly.
You're here, and it's totally cool.

Like I'm so sure I would totally bag it.
I wanna be your boy toy.

Oh my gawd, I am so mega-spazzin!

KIRK
You want me bad?

VALERIE
No Doi!!
Track Name: Bones' Lament
BONES
Here I am, yet again,
Another chance to emote.
Every time I let down my guard,
They expect the same damn quote.

I say it as I'm bending down
Over some schmuck in a red shirt.
Seconds ago, he was just fine,
Now he's face down in the dirt.

We find ourselves adjusting the plot
To fit it in right now.
Just to please the audience,
We find we must kowtow.

Closing in on the end of the show,
Things are looking grim.
So here's what you've been waiting for:
"He's dead, Jim."
(spoken)
He’s dead, Jim.
Track Name: Come in Peace
KIRK
You make me breathless like the vacuum of space
In all the cosmos, I wanna be in your embrace
I traveled so far to be with you
My love is as deep as the sky is blue

I'm a rocket man, and you light my fuse
You're my Venus, my new muse
The countdown's started, and I'm so glad

VALERIE
Why don't you come on to my launch pad?

KIRK
Our love is as wide as the infinite skies

VALERIE
I look and can see the stars in your eyes
Our passion, it will only increase

KIRK
Won't you let me come in peace?

VALERIE
I'm so totally like a virgin, but you I adore

KIRK
I'll boldly go where no man has gone before.
In my long life, I've never felt-

VALERIE
Shut up and unfasten my asteroid belt

KIRK & VALERIE
Our love is as wide as the infinite skies
I look and can see the stars in your eyes
Our passion, it will only increase
Won't you let me come in peace?

VALERIE
(spoken)
Hey, I can see Uranus from here!

KIRK & VALERIE
Won’t you let me come in peace?
Track Name: Science Fiction Movies (Reprise)
KIRK, SPOCK & BONES
We are masters of time and space
Always changing future history
On the voyage home to our place
In the twenty-third century

EVERYONE
It was the science fiction movies
That showed we were all on the same team
It was the science fiction movies
That gave us all a reason to dream

It was the science fiction films.